aha24
Guest
Taser (Humor)....A MUST READ !!!!!!!!!
>
>Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
>
>
>A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
>anniversary submitted this :
>
>Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for
>a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
>was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
>the laser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
>adverse affect on an assailant.
>
>The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
>adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
>loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!
>I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed
>the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
>time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
>between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!!
>(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
>the face of her microwave).
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
>that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
>right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
>(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
>of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
>if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against
>a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>Am I wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
>one hand, and taser in another.
>
>The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
>your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
>batteries.
>
>So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to
>one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
>from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to
>give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......
>HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..............
>@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
>door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the
>carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
>side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both
>nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked
>under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
>
>You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
>taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from
>your
>hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
>SON-OF-A-B_ _ _ _ that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
be
>sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what
little
>wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
>glasses were on the fireplace mantel. How did they get up there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant
>reward
>for their safe return!
>
>Still in shock, Earl
>
>Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing...
>
>
>A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
>anniversary submitted this :
>
>Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for
>a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
>was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
>the laser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
>adverse affect on an assailant.
>
>The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
>adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
>loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing!
>I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed
>the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
>time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
>between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!!
>(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
>the face of her microwave).
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
>that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,
>right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
>(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
>that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving
>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
>of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
>if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against
>a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>Am I wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
>one hand, and taser in another.
>
>The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
>your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
>purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
>batteries.
>
>So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to
>one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst
>from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to
>give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......
>HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..............
>@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
>door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the
>carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
>side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both
>nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked
>under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
>
>You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
>taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from
>your
>hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
>
>SON-OF-A-B_ _ _ _ that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
be
>sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what
little
>wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
>glasses were on the fireplace mantel. How did they get up there???
>My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
>felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
significant
>reward
>for their safe return!
>
>Still in shock, Earl
Of course I tried it again the next day!!! The best thing about this was that I didnt have a hang over. BTW, to this day if I hear a tazer go off I flinch. :blowup:
